“Life is not what one lived, but what one remembers and how one remembers it in order to share it.” — Gabriel García Márquez
I had knee surgery about seven months ago, and that forced me to sit still and analyze how I’ve been living life for the last decade. I have never been subjected to the level of pain I experienced post-surgery, but what’s worse, I haven’t been left alone with my thoughts for a really long time. It’s shocking to realize how even after 14 years of sobriety, my head can still be very loud.
On the other hand, this time off made me realize there’s been a LOT of people involved in this project that I call my life. I will never forget how, at 21 years old, meeting a group of people—a bunch of strangers—would fundamentally change the course of my life. And I owe each and every one of them for the life I have today.
I seem to be in a place of gratefulness, and I’ve even texted some people to express this. Everyone is always glad to hear from me, especially when they hear things I usually leave unsaid. But out of all the people I could thank and show my gratitude towards, there’s always that gnawing feeling that the person I owe the most is the one I can’t, or shouldn’t, get in touch with.
For the last 20 years, in the scroll of people who fundamentally changed the course of my life, you have always been the first name on the list. I really don’t know what would have become of me if I hadn’t found you when I did. Maybe we both wouldn’t have survived that year if it wasn’t for our time together.
It was next to you that I had the first glimpses of what my life could be. It was by your hand that I was introduced to the possibility of the man I could become. It was terrifying. So terrifying, in fact, that I was crushed by the potential.
For quite some time, I tried hating you. I really tried. But I would always circle back to the source of my torture, a fear I did not dare to say outloud: that I was doomed to be in love with you for the rest of my life.
I traveled all over the world, and at every destination, you were there with me. I could not figure out how to leave you behind. I saw you next to me hiking the Scottish Highlands, visiting shrines in Japan, driving through the Austrian Alps, walking around the Vatican Museum, waiting for trains in London stations, sitting across from me in coffee shops in Paris.
There were times when I thought I was truly going insane. Having a ghost accompany me to all these different places—I must be losing my mind.
After years of agonizing nights, rolling around in bed wondering how to get rid of this love-hate, finally I have nothing left of either. Only a pure and genuine gratitude for the time you invested in saving my life. You might not know that you were doing that, but I can see now that it was in fact that life-saving love that pulled me through the constant panic of those years, and I will always be grateful that you managed to bring out the best in me.
I really hope you are happy. Though we always joked we lacked the constitution for mindless happiness—and yet, I seem to be quite happy these days.
I really hope that you are, too.
Rodrigo Albarran Art 