Laying next to her, looking deep into her eyes, I said ‘I have never seen your eyes like this. They look so big and sparkly.’ Immediately I thought I sounded really stupid but I couldn’t describe what I was seeing at the moment. Her bright green eyes dilated, the tears she was holding back reflecting the entire room. I thought I could see an entire universe reflected in those eyes. I’ll never forget it.
She said ‘Your third eye is fully open, and it’s beautiful.’ I had no idea what she meant by that. I had grown accustomed to her little sayings, baffling and full of impossibilities to my analytical mind. It was nice though, having someone taking me up on a balloon ride of imagination and fantasy. My feet have always been planted too firmly on the ground.
Such moments have never lasted long for me. I have always considered my priorities to be different than most men. I have no time to dedicate to someone; I had been on a path of self destruction for so long and a path of extreme discipline afterward (sometimes there was very little difference between the two) and a high degree of self obsession is necessary to accomplish either one. This obsession leaves very little room for anyone else.
In my brief time here I’ve had more relationships than I expected to have, or even wanted, but I’ve only ever been in love three times. Each time far more intense than the previous one but also much shorter lived. It always ended the same way; them going on different directions, trying to catch dreams made of smoke. In other cities. In other countries. Meanwhile, I remained in the same place building a house, a fortress, where I get to hang all these memories. All these moments I never planned on having.
Never even longed for them.
I suppose when you get older you start to reflect on your life and think of all the people that somehow touched your soul. None more special than the ones I shared the ultimate degrees of intimacy with, but only after all the resentments, regrets and feelings of rejection were over. Some small and petty, others a dark poison that I feared I would never be able to get rid of.
Your third eye is fully open… I still think about it sometimes. I remember the day it ended too. Like it always does. Knowing they have no intention of staying put, I leave before they can leave me.
She said something very strange, ‘I’m sure all I’ve been to you is some tall blonde that made you feel like a man.’ I realized she was very well aware, and very self-conscious, of her imposing figure and beauty. It was an obstacle for people to see her as she really was.
My response revealed the meaning behind her cryptic assertion about me. ‘I don’t need you to feel like a man. I already know how to be a man. I fell in love you because you made me feel like a child.’