I had knee surgery about a year ago, and that event forced me to sit still and analyze how I’ve been living life for the last 12 years. I have never been subjected to the pain I experienced post surgery, but what’s worse, I haven’t been left alone with my thoughts for a really, really long time. It’s shocking to see how even after 14 years of sobriety my head can still be a very loud and messy place.
On the other hand, this time off made me realize there’s been a LOT of people involved in this project that I call my life. I will never forget how, at 21 years old, meeting a group of misfits and weirdos would fundamentally change the course of my life.
I owe each and everyone of them for the life I have today.
I seem to be in a place of gratitude, and I’ve even texted some people to express this. Everyone is always glad to hear from me, especially when they hear things I don’t normally say. But out of all the people I could thank, and show my gratitude towards, there’s always that gnawing feeling that the person I owe the most is the one I can’t, or shouldn’t, get in touch with.
For the last 20 years, in the scroll of people who changed me, you have always been the first one on the list. I really don’t know what would have become of me if I hadn’t found you when I did. Maybe we both wouldn’t have survived those years if it wasn’t for our time together.
It was next to you that I had the first glimpses of what my life could be. It was by your hand that I was introduced to the possibility of the man I could become. It was terrifying. So terrifying in fact, that I was crushed by the potential
For quite sometime, I tried hating you. I really did. But I would always end up going back to the source of my torture, a reality that I did not want to admit: that I was doomed to be in love with you for the rest of my life.
I traveled all over the world, and every destination I was in, you were there with me. I could not figure out how to leave you behind. I saw you next to me hiking the Scottish Highlands, visiting shrines in Japan, driving through the Austrian Alps, sitting across from me in coffee shops in Paris…
There were times when I thought I was truly going insane. Having a ghost accompany me to all these different places, I must be losing my mind.
After years of agonizing nights, rolling around in bed wondering how to get rid of this love/hate, finally I have nothing left of either. Only a pure and genuine gratitude for the time you invested in saving my life. You might not know that you were doing that, but I can see now that it was in fact that life-saving love that pulled me through the constant panic of those years, and I will always be grateful that you managed to bring out the best in me.
I really hope you are happy. We always joked that we lacked the constitution for mindless happiness- and still, I seem to be quite happy these days.
I really hope that you are too.
Rodrigo Albarran Art 